Sometimes you can be in the middle of some of the best moments of your life, while feeling some of the lowest lows you’ve ever experienced.  It’s a hard experience to process.  You’re finding yourself going through combinations of imposter syndrome, to self-doubt, to extreme unexplained loneliness and sadness, to harsh criticism, and not a lot of compassion.  It involves a lot of energy spent on invalidating the feelings that are coming up, isolating yourself from people who care about you, berating yourself for not doing the things you know will help you, and drowning yourself in the overwhelm of everything and nothing, all at the same time.

It's a hard experience to process because you’re so convinced that you’re completely alone in it, even if you know with your entire being that you’re not.  That’s one of the biggest things I’m learning to truly accept, is that you are never alone, and leaning on community is more important than ever.

This is why I’ve made the decision to move back to Canada temporarily.

It’s been a hard pill to swallow, but I’ve finally started to acknowledge the intense amount of solitude and independence I’ve cultivated for myself, but also the walls I’ve built around me.  While I still believe it’s important to be comfortable on your own and independent, there’s a fine line between being a strong individual who can take care of themselves and someone who doesn’t trust the world to support or be there for them; the line between someone who leans on walls rather than community.

As someone who preaches prioritizing mental health above everything, I had failed to realize that a huge component in taking care of myself involved surrounding myself with kind, fun, loving, supportive and inspiring people on a more consistent and regular basis.  I began to realize how much I was needing community when I found myself surrounded by some of the best people in Alice Springs, and then on the Sea Shepherd Campaign, but I continued to keep myself isolated in between these endeavours and sinking into loneliness rather than embracing solitude like I used to.

Which is where I realize things have changed.  I’ve spent a lot of time these last 4.5 years getting to know myself and learning to be comfortable on my own.  I never felt loneliness – I truly just enjoyed my time alone as much as I enjoyed being with loved ones.   Recently though, this time alone has shifted to a feeling of isolation – which has made me forget how much love and support I’m so incredibly lucky to have in my life.

Buying that flight ticket home was a hard decision to make but knew was the right one.  I think I’ve battled making a decision like this for a while now because I’ve spent so much time identifying with the independent solo traveller, to the point that letting go of that felt like I was failing myself in some way.  I know that’s not true, but it’s a feeling that held so much control over me for so long; to the point where it felt like I had broken myself.  It’s true when they say sometimes you’ve gotta hit rock bottom before you can rise back to the surface.  

Already I feel so much lighter; the anticipation of knowing I’ll get to spend some good quality time with family and get to explore my favourite places with a new perspective reminds me of why I’ve come to love life the way that I have.  It’s reminding me to be excited for the little things, to appreciate the people I have in my life, to seek ways of exploring both the old and the new, to take care of my mind and body, and to look for the little wonders in familiar places. 

A traveller’s life is one of many internal conflicts.  Feeling like anywhere, everywhere, and nowhere is home; guilt for not keeping in regular contact with loved ones; intense highs and lows; constantly questioning what the right decision is; finding random ways of getting your next paycheck… It’s a challenging life for sure.  While it’s a life I know I’ll continue to live for a little while longer, it’s also one I need to re-evaluate how it can be more sustainable for me.

Community, I’m learning, is more crucial for me than ever, and when you’re in a constant state of moving and changing, the instability and inconsistency in physical presence of community can really start to weigh on you.  To a point where relying on connecting online just doesn’t cut it.  It’s one thing to have a call with a family member back home every now and then, but it’s another to sit down for a meal together.  It’s being in the same space with another meaningful human that really brings genuine fulfillment.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been so incredibly lucky with all the incredible people I’ve met around Australia.  I have people I now consider lifelong friends spread all around the country, and know I can turn to for anything, anytime.  But when you’re not staying in one place for long, you’re very conscious of how much time you’re taking from their regular day-to-day life, and how much spare time they have.  You’re not building roots in a place, but rather just dropping in for a catch-up, before moving on to your next destination.   

That’s where part of my challenge is - I’m not ready to decide where I’m wanting to build more roots; so temporarily returning to old ones is serving as a grounding point, while I build out a sturdier structure for how I want to navigate my life moving forward.  It’s about finding some stability and connecting with community, while creating a stronger foundation to stand on no matter where I go.

This year is about healing – mentally and physically – while leaning on community, no matter where I am.  

Stay passionate and curious.
Hunter💛