Silent Suffering: Surviving an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist
It’s a long read, a vulnerable read, and not an easy read.
I’m sharing because it was seeing other people share, that saved me.
I’m sharing because it feels less painful and less scary than keeping it all in.
If the title isn’t clear enough, I want to make a trigger warning that this article is going to touch on some heavy topics surrounding abuse, depression, suicide, etc.
This shares my own personal experience, along with experiences people I know have gone through and were parallel to mine, to highlight the patterns. I’m not a therapist, or a student of these topics, rather a survivor looking to share my experience so that others know they’re not alone – and honestly, a form of healing and therapy for myself.
Table of Contents:
Realizing the Truth
Breaking Through the Illusions of a "Perfect" RelationshipThe Manipulation Begins
From Friend to Partner: The Subtle Shift to Narcissistic AbuseCaught in the Cycle
Gaslighting, Isolation, and the Emotional RollercoasterEmotional and Psychological Scars
The Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic AbuseThe True Face of Narcissism
Hiding Behind a Public MaskStruggling to Leave
Why It's Hard to Walk Away and the Impact of Trauma BondingFinding Strength and Support
Reclaiming My Life and Sharing to Empower OthersThe Red Flags I Ignored
Recognizing the Signs of Covert Narcissism in Relationships
Realizing the Truth
Breaking Through the Illusions of a "Perfect" Relationship
I honestly don’t even know where or how to fully start this other than to apologize to any survivor or individual still enduring the abuse, and forever thinking or questioning “why don’t you just leave if you know it’s so bad?”
I used to pride myself on the thought that if I ever found myself in a situation with a partner that was so toxic, so manipulative, so soul-wrenching, so abusive, that I would leave at the first sign.
But I didn’t.
Because I couldn’t.
And to be honest, even after flying back to my home country, even after finally starting to talk about some of the things that happened, even after some of the reactions I received from friends – it still took me months to come to terms that what I experienced was a form of abuse perpetrated by a narcissist exhibiting textbook characteristics and patterns of a narcissist.
It wasn’t until I was sitting with an older friend of mine who looked me in the eyes and said “Hunter, that sounds like an abusive relationship” did I finally start to view the actions differently.
Hearing someone call it that felt terrifying. I never thought of myself as someone who would ever allow or tolerate such behavior or experiences. I know myself to be a strong, capable, independent, and intuitive individual. I used to think people who stayed in these relationships were somehow weak or lacked self-respect.
This is not true.
Ending up in these relationships don’t just happen overnight. They’re developed over time of love-bombing, gifts, experiences, promises, and actions that all lead you to believe this person is someone else entirely. They’re built on the foundation of what appears to be a healthy and loving relationship – a relationship unlike any other you’ve experienced. Someone you can trust, who will take care of you, who will support you and be there for you, who is your number one fan and wants nothing but the best for you. Someone who goes out of their way to show up for you.
What they don’t show you is the seemingly drastic, yet subtle shift to who they are at the deepest parts of their core.
It’s a scary experience because you don’t see it coming. When it does happen, that initial shift, you justify it away. You remind yourself people are allowed to get upset over things, and that sometimes the other parts of their life maybe feel more overwhelming than you know, which is what caused them to have a bigger (maybe/usually irrational) reaction to something. Maybe they even apologize to you for the big reaction; they acknowledge some of the thoughts you were having, making you feel seen and respected – confirming your belief “they’re not a bad person, they’re just having a bad day/bad moment”.
But these irrational reactions never go away. They only get bigger, more hurtful, more confusing, until the pattern has become so blurred that you don’t even see it for what it is anymore. The words being used to hurt you, then “heal” you, to then hurt you again, leaving you feeling crazy… like you’re the problem. Like somehow you deserve the big reactions because surely it must have been something that you did that made him feel this way… and people are allowed to express how they feel… we want people to feel comfortable with expressing how they feel… right?
The scary part is that them “expressing how they feel” is actually an unconscious manipulation tactic that keeps you exactly where they want you.
I won’t be using this post to get into all the facts and science behind narcissism – because there’s a lot, and it’s overwhelming.
But if I could ask you to read or listen to one thing, and this was the only thing you’d ever consume on the topic and the experience, it would be this episode on Mel Robin’s podcast, featuring Dr. Ramani Durvasula.
Not only did it help me understand what I was experiencing, but it reminded me that I was not alone. That these experiences I had that feel so wildly abnormal, so scary, so isolating, are patterns that will never go away, and that there was nothing I could’ve said or done differently that would have prevented the abuse I went through.
They reminded me that I am not to blame for the abuse I suffered.
Let me say that again.
I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR THE ABUSE I SUFFERED.
And neither are you.
The Manipulation Begins
From Friend to Partner: The Subtle Shift to Narcissistic Abuse
We were friends for 6 months before the abuse started. It’s scary because I’ve since learnt this is a pretty common pattern for people in narcissistic abusive relationships. He was someone I trusted, someone I felt I could be my true-unfiltered-self around. We shared interests and passions; we connected through volunteering for an environmental organization as photographers (I was conflicted on whether or not to include his name in this, and have decided not to for a number of reasons– but if you followed my weekly travel blog last year or are curious enough to do a deep-dive, I’m not opposed to you finding out his name is mentioned in Week 19…). We were in different parts of the country when we got onboarded to Sea Shepherd, so we didn’t even meet in person for the first 5-6months. We connected through social media after some online volunteer meetings, where we naturally immediately clicked as friends. We spent hours facetiming, sending memes and messages, voicenotes, even started being penpals after talking about wanting to share books with one another… sending handwritten letters, sometimes including random items like shells or photos or little drawings/artwork. A lot of time was invested into building this connection. There was a lot of love developed for one another - all platonic. Sure, some minor feelings were developed, but nothing I wanted to act on because I knew at my core it wouldn’t have ever worked out – he wanted kids in the future, and I do not.
The conversation of feelings for one another was never something brought up during any of those 6 months – it truly felt like an amazing friendship was formed. He was so kind, loving, bubbly, upbeat, raw, real, honest, open, vulnerable, emotionally intelligent. He’s creative, musically talented, journals, photographs, plays guitar, built a business that allows him to photograph incredible experiences and call it his job. In a lot of ways, he inspired me and excited me. Made me feel like there was so much more I was capable of. He felt like someone I could trust and lean on. He was someone to look forward to connecting with once I left Alice Springs and eventually travel the east coast.
Which is exactly when everything started to collapse.
At the time we finally met in person, I was in the beginning stages of a low emotional period, and he had just finished establishing with the girl he’d been casually seeing the past month that they were going to be exclusive (a key factor in the very first red flag I unfortunately chose to ignore). He was in Townsville for a Halloween party he was photographing, and I happened to be in town at the same time – finally, an opportunity for us to meet in person before he flew back to Brisbane!
We had just a handful of hours to hangout before he had to catch his flight, where we spent the time exploring down a crazy creek bed/waterhole, getting food, and chatting all things life, personal challenges/experiences (including him telling me he’s realizing he doesn’t think he wants his own kids anymore – remember this), etc. When suddenly, not even an hour before he’s supposed to be catching his flight, he’s telling me he feels he needs to be completely open and honest with me, to get something off his chest – he tells me he’s been developing feelings for me the past little while but never said anything before because he knew they weren’t reciprocated, but just “wanted to be honest.”
I told him I shared those feelings but never said anything because he doesn’t want kids and was already seeing someone else… long story short, he ended up making a move on me and missing his flight to campout with me. Where he went on and on about how much he admired me for living this freer lifestyle, allowing myself to do whatever, whenever; undefined plans long term, wanting to travel the world (remember this part too), allowing myself the flexibility to see where life takes me (all his words). He put a lot of emphasis on his admiration for me, and the inspiration I gave him to live life like this. He made me feel incredible – he made me feel seen.
Fast-forward 24-hours (barely), he’s back in Brisbane and we’re on a video call, reflecting on our time together, what we’re wanting etc. and he’s telling me how he plans to tell the girl that he can’t see her anymore. As we’re having this conversation, he keeps saying “well, I liked you first, and I’d rather see you instead of her.” “I liked you first” were the words he kept saying to justify his (our) actions. In this conversation I told him that he shouldn’t say that to her, because from her perspective, that isn’t going to matter. As far as she’s concerned, not even a week ago, you both decided you wanted to be exclusive.
And that’s when the first (well, I guess technically, second) red flag really hit me. He lost it on me. He got so incredibly angry that “I’m trying to absolve myself from guilt,” and that “I’m just as much to blame in this as him” and that “I’m trying to make him feel bad for what happened,” that I’m essentially saying he’s a “shitty person” (spoiler alert – he is).
To say I was stunned was an understatement. I immediately went into fright mode, trying to assure him that I’m not trying to say he’s all to blame - that I know I could’ve been more firm in saying no to anything before he talked to her - that I’m just making sure he handles this in a way that won’t make her feel worse, that he doesn’t say something that’s only going to hurt her more, and is in my opinion, a pretty insensitive justification to make...
It was a confusing call. This person I’d spent the past 6 months developing such a deep connection with; this kind, empathetic, soft-spoken yet lively person I’d grown strong feelings for was suddenly lashing out at me… for something he did…
No, I don’t condone cheating. Yes, I know it takes two to tango. No, I don’t think I’m innocent in this action. But I do know I’m not the one who initiated anything, I know I’m the one who kept saying we should wait until he talked with her, and I know I’m not the one who cheated on a partner. Does that make me a saint? No. But that did not grant him the permission to verbally attack me in this conversation and try to pass the blame onto me.
What not everyone will understand is the feelings you experience in these moments. People will read this and immediately think things like “well of course it turned out bad, he cheated on a new relationship with you, what did you expect?” or even “you had it coming.” But what you don’t see is them saying all the right things that have you convinced you’re the only one for them, that you’re everything they’ve been looking for and are going to do everything they can to ensure they’re the best partner they can be for you. And you believe them, because prior to that moment, they’ve never done anything to make you think otherwise. It fucks with your head because “you know this person. They’ve been there for you for months (sometimes even years) – they’d never do anything to hurt me.”
It's that pre-established relationship that changes the game from it being a shitty first date with a stranger, to being friends turned lovers. There’s just no denying the psychological difference between each experience. One is some loser who thinks he can get away with whatever he wants, while the other is the big romantic story with someone you care for deeply. It’s fucked. I know.
After that call, not much seemed to change between us initially. We still called and texted daily, I was continuing my road trip along the east coast, visiting with friends in different cities… when we ended up getting another opportunity to connect in a different city where he’d be photographing another event. This time, I got invited to be a second shooter for the fun of it. It was during this trip that he welcomed me to stay at his place for the few weeks in between me getting into Brisbane and then heading off to volunteer at the Woodford Folk Festival. 3 weeks staying at his place and going through some of the most intense, emotional whiplash I’ve ever experienced. It was constant back and forth of him wanting to be in a relationship with me, to saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now, to making plans and then getting upset at me for small things, picking fights over nothing, then talking about all the things we would do together in the future.
Caught in the Cycle
Gaslighting, Isolation, and the Emotional Rollercoaster
It was constant love-bombing, manipulation, and emotional turmoil. It felt like walking through a landmine disguised as a wildflower meadow. Everything seemed beautiful and peaceful and perfect, until an unknown trigger was set off – triggers like asking questions about the rules to basketball or putting the floss container down on a 45 degree angle instead of 90, or taking a sip of his water while you’re on the mends from being sick after he JUST finished initiating making out with you. Small things that turned into massive blow ups and very scary reactions. Reactions that involved yelling, calling you stupid, or accusing you of “purposefully trying to piss [him] off,” hostility, holding back physical lash outs (hitting counters instead of me), throwing my own traumatic experiences in my face, etc.
He wasn’t really physically abusive towards me - aside from one instance that I won’t go into detail about - but sometimes in these relationships you almost wish it were that case so then you’d at least have physical evidence of the damage that was done. It felt so lonely, largely because of how he presented to everyone else; no one would ever believe he would ever do or say the things he’d done. And I had no proof of it – so it was my word against his, and in that time, I had no one else around. Sure, I could call up a friend back home, but I didn’t want people to worry about me, and I felt so much shame for the situation I had myself in. How could I possibly talk about it? Where would I even start?
You feel like you’re going crazy. Because there’s no evidence to show or fall back on, the words and actions are so hot and cold, the gaslighting is constant and so well executed, all you can do is question your sanity. You feel like you’re the problem, like you did something wrong, like you deserve the lash-outs because you must’ve done something to cause him to be so upset. Because you’re still holding on to the person you first connected with 6+months ago. The person who wrote sweet letters, held you when you cried, told you how incredible you were and how much they admire and cherish you. The person you spent hours on the phone with, connecting over hobbies and dreams and inspirations. The person who felt safe to share all your flaws and worries and trauma with. You didn’t know that being vulnerable with them would be your demise. You didn’t believe the person you first met was capable of such destruction.
I won’t go into detail of every little experience that has weighed on me since in this part of the post, but those 3 weeks ended in us deciding we were going to take space and not talk during my 3 weeks at Woodford. Long story short, he did not respect this boundary, repeatedly texted and called, and even had a friend attending the festival bring me a Christmas gift. Boundaries were repeatedly disrespected, after repeatedly being told I needed time and space.
Coming back from Woodford was hard. Because of the lack of space he refused to give me, I never got the chance to properly sit with everything or find myself again. It was at this point the depression really started to hit. All I can think is how grateful I am to the lovely team of compassionate and understanding women I worked with during the festival. They saw where I was and held space for me, even while navigating their own troubles. I never got to enjoy the festival – I was in such a dark space; it took everything in me to even be able to show up to the pre-set up shifts. Once the festival was running – all I could do was stay up at camp and isolate. I tried to go down to enjoy it, but every time I did, I had to do everything to keep myself from bursting into tears.
That was when I decided I needed to go back home to Canada.
I was in the darkest space I’ve ever been, which feels weird to say because I’ve had to navigate recovering from losing my mom to suicide, which I’d say is definitely worst moments of my life… but what I’ve realized was different in this depression was that: the depression that evolved from losing my mom was rooted in sadness for the loss of the most important person in my life in such a horrifically tragic way. Whereas the depression from this abusive relationship was triggered by deliberate infliction from an external person. With my mom I was grappling with the wondering of whether I could have done something; whereas with him, it was being told daily through words and actions that I wasn’t enough.
I’ve been through cycles of depression most of my life without most people being able to notice (chronic masker unfortunately…), but they all felt different. The outcomes of this abusive relationship left me feeling worthless, useless, absolute zero confidence in myself, insecure, shameful, sad, and physically sick in so many ways. My mind and body started to shut down and give up.
My Visa was ending mid-February, which meant I had 5 weeks to survive until my flight home. 1.5 of those weeks I was thankfully able to escape back to Woodford for a paid cleanup gig after everyone else had gone home. But the other 3.5 weeks were spent trapped with him, quite sick for a lot of it (because of him… he kissed me without telling me he was sick until after the fact. When I called him out for it, his reaction was “you still would’ve kissed me anyways” to which I said “yeah probably, but I would’ve liked that decision/risk to have been my choice” to which he shrugged off and made it out like I was being dramatic and crazy for being worried about getting sick… remember this too.)
When I told him I’d decided I was moving back to Canada, he told me he was planning to go too. He told me it was for his own personal reasons, but then would later on gaslight me and tell me he never said that and that he was going for me, to then gaslight me AGAIN and say I was crazy for thinking he was going there for me… to then back to saying he was going for me… you can see why it was such a mental mindfuck…
NOTE: I’ve decided rather than continuing along this detailed timeline narrative, to instead have a section towards the bottom that lists out the many specific experiences that come up for me. These are experiences that I’ve had other survivors share they went through the exact same thing; are flashbacks that get triggered in my day-to-day life; are experiences that still hold weight for me in some ways. It felt easier to write them out in a list every time a new flashback would pop into my brain, rather than waste energy on trying to figure out when it happened (this post would turn into a proper novel if I did lol). Was also quite therapeutic to write them as they popped up, a way to just “get them out of me.”
Towards the end, after I’d been back in Canada for over a month, one of our last calls we had, I had had enough of the lash-outs. It happened after he got mad that the dog barked while we were on a video call and was blaming me for her barking (keep in mind, our family dog was deaf, mostly blind, and was startled when the cat jumped next to her). So, I called him out on it and told him that was the final straw, that he couldn’t talk to me like that anymore or treat me the way he did. I asked him “do you treat your friends or family like this? Do you ever talk to them the way you do to me?” and I honestly thought he was going to make up some excuse or tell me I was being dramatic or turn it on me in some way. Instead, he took a long pause, and said “no. only partners.” And then he got mad, and nasty. You know what I’m talking about – that vile look someone gets in their eyes of genuine hatred and disgust; that look that tells you they don’t even see you as a person; the look that tells you all they want is to hurt you by any means that will make you crumble. When I finally told him this was the last straw, that I wouldn’t tolerate being verbally abused over things like my family dog barking because our cat walked into the room, he tried to spin it in a way that made me the terrible person who was abandoning him for being in a bad place. He said it wasn’t fair of me to say this was the last straw; that I wasn’t being a supportive friend; that now he must walk on eggshells around me; and what kind of friend does that to a friend? Told me I was shitty person for no longer providing him a space that allowed him to express his emotions.
I told him he’s allowed to express his emotions, what he’s not allowed is to treat me like a punching bag or a pile of trash.
That was the moment when it finally started to properly click that I needed to get out. It was after that experience that I finally started opening to some friends and my sisters about all the stuff that had happened. I finally started seeking counsel in people I care about to get their perspective on what he was doing. It was after that experience that it was finally brought to my attention that I’d been in an abusive relationship the past 6 months.
I think one of the scariest thoughts I have is the fact that this was only a 6 month relationship (excluding the time we spent as friends), and that realistically I only got out because my Visa was ending, I didn’t have the money to extend it right away, and I wanted to go home for a short visit (went from a 2 month visit to 7 months). It’s scary to think of people I know enduring these experiences for years… sometimes even decades… and to know that I could’ve potentially been one of them.
Emotional and Psychological Scars
The Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Part of what makes this experience so much harder for me to look back on is seeing how it impacted my relationships with people moving forward. I withdrew, I stopped being able to show up for others, I let go of a lot of incredible opportunities simply because I couldn’t even get myself out of bed – let alone create or socialize. It impacted not just me, but the people and things I care about… and to be honest, I don’t know how to make up for that without admitting I wasn’t okay.
I’m so grateful I got out. I’m so grateful to the friends and family that show me what love is supposed to look like. I’m so grateful for my time back home. I’m so grateful to the people who share their stories online. And I’m so grateful to my current partner for showing me what a healthy relationship is meant to feel like.
Unfortunately, things happen in my day-to-day life that still trigger my freeze response. I get sent into panic episodes that feel like I’m back in that space with him, I find it harder to trust people, I’m colder towards interactions with new people, I isolate a lot more, am more skeptical of peoples true intentions or genuine nature, I recluse a lot more, I’m significantly less comfortable around men I don’t know, I have a hard time following through on projects and collaborations, frequently feel like I let people down by not being able to follow through on a lot of things…
One of the hardest parts of healing is knowing they’re out there living their life, getting great opportunities, meanwhile you’re still working on letting go of the desire for them to suffer and relearning how to lift yourself up and get after the opportunities you deserve too. I am working daily to show up for myself and the people I care about, and learn how to communicate my needs, and remind myself I’m none of the things he made me believe. I’ve still got a long way to go before I get to where I want to be, but I’m taking it one day at a time.
I am proud of myself though that in at least a couple occasions I did stand up for myself, I forced him to see where he was in the wrong, and I did threaten to walk out twice. One time I had properly packed my stuff and tried to walk out, but he stopped me and convinced me to stay. My biggest regret is not following through with walking out that door.
The True Face of Narcissism
Hiding Behind a Public Mask
I want to acknowledge that I recognize and sympathize with the mental health struggles he faces when it comes to his relationship with food and his body image, as well as the neglect and abuse he experienced growing up. But something I had to learn is that no amount of pain or struggle grants you permission to take your suffering out on those closest to you. You don’t get to treat them like a punching bag any time you relapse or struggle.
When I say he would get mad at me, I mean he would go very cold, often voices raised, use words that were incredibly hurtful and degrading. Would gaslight me into thinking I was saying something else to make him mad or purposefully trigger him. Or would spin my words. Things would get slammed. Threats of saying something “so much worse” would be made. I was made to be terrified of speaking up or calling him out on his bullshit.
I’ve since learned that he’s a covert narcissist. One of the worst, most isolating ones because they’re so good at keeping on a mask to most of the world. They’re the ones who are the first to show up when you need them, loudly and proudly support their friends and family, are a shoulder to cry on, will talk with you for hours on end about whatever you need. But all these actions are performative and self-fulfilling… and behind closed doors, when it comes to the person they’re closest with – in many cases, their partner – it’s a side that not even their “closest” friends would know or believe exists. That’s what makes it so scary. You’re the only one to see it, making you feel so isolated and alone because no one would ever believe “so-and-so would be capable of such things! They wouldn’t even hurt a fly!” But that side others see is performative. True, if you’re not close enough to be hurt by them, they’re a great person to have in your life! They’ll connect you with all the right people, they’ll be right there in your corner… but what you don’t see is that what seems like genuine, self-less acts of support, are actually self-fulfilling actions for personal gain. Everyone in a narcissist’s life serves a purpose that only benefits them. You’re not in their life because they care about you (no matter how much it may seem they do – they’re very good at this), you’re in their life because you have something to offer them. Whether it’s as simple as an ego boost, or a successful business connection – the minute you don’t serve them, you’re nothing to them, and you won’t realize this until it’s too late. And if you do speak up, they have ways of spinning it so that everyone believes YOU’RE the abusive or crazy one.
Struggling to Leave
Why It's Hard to Walk Away and the Impact of Trauma Bonding
Pretty much anyone I’ve shared this story with, their FIRST question is “why did you stay?” Believe me, I ask myself that question too. The mark of a narcissist is they’re INCREDIBLE at using your weaknesses against you, tearing you down while also making you feel like they’re building you up. They condition you to become reliant on them, like this is normal, like you’re actually in a healthy and vulnerable relationship. They have you questioning your own sanity so much to the point that you don’t trust yourself to be okay without them.
How could you leave something that you’re conditioned to believe is your everything? How do you leave someone that has damaged and altered your brain to become literally addicted to them?
Finding Strength and Support
Reclaiming My Life and Sharing to Empower Others
I’ll be honest in that a large part of me wanted this out in the world in hopes that the people who knew us both and know who this is referencing read this. In hopes that it would shed light on who he really is as a person. It was initially written with the intent to cause him even just an ounce of harm. But I’ve learned that:
1. You can’t confront a narcissist. It doesn’t work, no matter what you do.
2. All that matters is I surround myself with people who I feel safe with.
Instead, I’m now choosing to share this in hopes that other survivors or people trying to find a way out see this, read this, and are comforted in knowing they’re not alone. It has instead been fueled by the conversations I’ve shared with other women, and inspired by posts and comments by many others sharing their parallel experiences with their own abusive partners/exes. It was seeing/hearing other women open up about their own abusers that reminded me I’m not alone, that speaking up heals, and there is strength in community. Watching these women allowed me to become comfortable enough to open up about my abuser, and I want to do the same for those in my circle/my algorithm, so that hopefully more individuals find comfort and courage in opening up and getting out.
Writing this has been an important process in my healing.
Being reminded I wasn’t alone and that these experiences are patterns of toxic people, and learning to speak openly about it, ultimately saved me.
I hope my words can do the same for you.
Hunter 💛
The Red Flags I Ignored
Recognizing the Signs of Covert Narcissism in Relationships
This is a hard story to share because it’s a hard experience to reflect on. But I’ve chosen to share as in-depth as I have in hopes that those who are going through something similar can recognize the patterns in their own experience. To know that you’re not crazy, you’re not to blame, and you’re not alone. And to acknowledge that I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes, but a reminder that this experience was not my “karma” for those mistakes. No one deserves to be made to feel this way.
I’m sharing such a detailed list of both big and small examples because since reading up on narcissism, I’ve learned that each of these examples are tied to narcissistic patterns. Things I thought were dumb reactions, are actually textbook behaviours. Had I known these signs sooner, I maybe could have saved myself so much sooner.
Note: if you only want to read one, read the last one about the basketball game rules… trust me, it’s worth it to see the absolute absurdity of his reactions.
Getting upset about me wanting to go off and visit places for multiple days and convincing me not to go anymore, but then bitch about me always being around and saying things like “I thought you had friends to hang out with.”
I suffer from bad anxiety acne – looking back on photos from during my time with him, I see just how bad it was…
Getting mad at me for taking a horizontal video instead of vertical at a concert even though he didn’t specify what he wanted…
Telling me he loves and admires my “free lifestyle,” and then telling me it’s hard to be with me because I don’t have a 5 year plan…
Telling me it makes him uncomfortable that I say I don’t want kids and that he wants me to say, “I don’t see ourselves with kids right now.” Even though he’s known from day 1 I’ve never wanted kids… and he kept telling me he no longer wanted kids and that “the thought of having kids made [him] sick” (his exact words)
Got his car radio replaced and for some reason it wasn’t connecting with his phone. We were still at the mechanic who installed it, and instead of going in to ask what was wrong with it, or how to properly set it up, he hit his steering wheel and threw his hat on the floor of the car and got mad at me when I tried to suggest possible solutions.
Same radio, but days earlier, the day it was originally scheduled to go in, apparently the company was sent the wrong part or had mis-scheduled… can’t remember the exact cause, but he had coordinated rides with his roommate to and from the mechanic, and was then told by the mechanic that they wouldn’t be able to do it when originally scheduled - to which he lost it and was yelling things like “why is this my problem” “they’ve wasted my time” (keep in mind his original radio was working… this was just a fancy upgrade he was getting installed).
SAME radio situation – I told him I could drive him instead, and he gave me the silent treatment because I couldn’t come a few minutes earlier than our agreed upon time (because I was dog sitting across town.)
Getting mad at me if I sped a bit and constantly commented on my driving; meanwhile he would tailgate and speed after other drivers who pissed him off (typically those drivers were just going the speed limit…)
In an attempt to keep people from hearing my story, I learned he told his friends not to engage with me anymore (I learned this from one of his closest, if not “best” friends, so I know it’s legit.). This is a manipulation tactic, play the victim card so that people don’t get the chance to see who he truly is.
Getting mad at me for taking a sip of his drink when I was getting over being sick, after we had just finished making out – which HE initiated.
Photo competition freak out: he entered a popular Instagram photo competition that has thousands of followers and has weekly competitions based on different artistic themes, and got mad that he didn’t win. Saying things like “the winners work isn’t even good” “you can tell they’re amateurs” “my work is better” “I should have won.” And genuinely SO mad and took his anger out on me when I would try to say things like “they probably get so many submissions that they don’t even see everyone’s” or “maybe they like to take this opportunity to highlight newer photographers to give them a boost of confidence/encouragement and help with giving them exposure” …
Beach date. We were supposed to have a beach date night – cook dinner together to have a picnic and do some crafts together while watching sunset. Only for him to come home, get drunk, press me for why I’m upset, then be upset with me for being upset that he got drunk and no longer intended to go on our beach date and made a big show of this being “a perfect example of why he doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to be able to change his plans and change his mind whenever he wants without someone making him feel shitty about it.” When he never once communicated not feeling like doing the date anymore or chatting about postponing to another night. Just immediately got drunk once we got home from running around doing errands all day. Which is ironic because he was always harping on me to “be more communicative and open up more.” It was a double standard with him…
Getting mad at me for not paying for his coffee
Getting upset that I didn’t do anything for his birthday, even though I was incredibly sick, and that I should’ve at least written a little note with a shell from the beach. So then when I was feeling a bit better, in a way to make up for it, I left tons of cute little notes hidden around his bedroom to find at random times over the next while and bought him a carton of eggs because that’s what he said he liked to have for a birthday breakfast, but he had run out. He was instead upset that I bought eggs (because I’m vegan and didn’t want me spending my money on things I went against – which tbh, I personally did feel incredibly conflicted on doing in the first place) and that the notes were “too much.”
Upset at the theoretical possibility he could go to war, and I wouldn’t stick around to support him. Like genuinely SO mad at me and gave me the silent treatment.
Getting upset that I wouldn’t be ready 15-30minutes before the agreed departure time, but I wasn’t allowed to be upset when he was purposefully 45min late for a full day of time-specific plans because he was playing Call of Duty
Got mad at me for calling him out on bullying and purposefully excluding a “friend” from gatherings and saying to me that I “wasn’t supporting him or listening to his feelings.”
Me being upset with how much he was drinking. Scared when he would eat poorly because it meant his temper would be really bad/he’d be even more reactive than usual. Couldn’t point out him drinking caffeine too late in the day, causing him to be anxious, which he would use to justify drinking to be able to sleep at night. I wasn’t allowed to be upset with him drinking every night just to be able to sleep because this was me “putting my own problems on to him and triggering him.”
Frequently unsend messages he’d sent.
Blocked me on everything and then proceeded to text my sister to pass along his new number.
Got a friend of his to deliver me a Christmas gift when we were supposed to be taking space.
Texted me repeatedly during this time we were supposed to be taking space.
Called me drunk to say he missed his ex (from a year ago) and that he thinks it was a mistake to make things official, not even 2 weeks after asking me to be his girlfriend.
Frequently begged me to get him off with the promise that the next night would be all about me, that he was just too tired that night. Only for the following week to be excuses of being too tired and not feeling good because he didn’t eat well.
Used one of my photos on his website. photos from a tattoo/photo trade he was supposed to do with an artist. I took photos during his session for fun since he was going to schedule a photo session with them later. Only to learn he’s never followed up on his end of their deal and has instead used my photos on his website.
A website I built for him – one he said he’d pay me for, but never did.
Messaged me on mother’s day, after he had already blocked me on everything for a few weeks, after we had decided we weren’t to communicate at all, after we had established I needed time away from everything and that he would leave me alone until the time (potentially) came for me to feel ready and reach out to him
Got mad at me for service being shitty, or dog barking while we were on a call.
Would get mad if I didn’t put something EXACTLY how he had it, and would accuse me of purposefully doing it to piss him off and get a reaction because “his mom and ex used to do that.”
Would frequently assume I was going to do something because “his ex used to do ___” and so he’d preemptively react incredibly negatively towards me under the assumption I was going to do whatever she used to do (they were together for 2 years, during his (apparent) lowest… I can only imagine the abuse she went through. He used to cry to me saying he was worried he’d be a bad partner to me like he was to her… note to self: when they tell you they’re going to be a bad person, believe them.
He’s an events photographer. Whenever I would show work of my other photographer friends (ESPECIALLY event photographer friends) who I admire and whose recent photos I’d be sharing out of excitement for how good their work was (work that was objectively really fucking good) he always showed a lack of interest or critiqued their work and why it “wasn’t as good.” But when it came to artists he was trying to hire for events, he would rave about them. Me talking about my friends work and him shutting it down was a sign of his ego feeling attacked – how dare I compliment another creative or make it seem like I thought they were better than him. Him only getting excited about creatives he was trying to work with was his ego working on getting things that made him look better. He’d make it out like he was “helping these people get opportunities.” But in reality, it was purely for his own gain.
Frequently said how he would only go to concerts now if he was working them because it’s “better being on stage”. That’s the narcissism needing to feel and be treated as more important than everyone else. Would say that he doesn’t like going to concerts, and that he feels like “low-class” being at a concert he’s not actually working.
I remember many moments during my time back home thinking of all the things I’d have to try to avoid when showing him around, to make sure I could reduce the number of potential triggers of a negative reaction from him. I spent more energy thinking of what to avoid with him, rather than thinking of all the fun things we’d get to do when he came to Canada to visit.
Stealing my sign-off/making it about him
Following me to Canada, saying it wasn’t for me, then being like “get real hunter of course it was for you” to then “I’m an adult and I can do it on my own.”
Would tell me I needed to be more vocal, and then anytime I called him out on stuff, it was met with cold reactions – to the point that I became fearful to speak up for myself out of fear of his reactions.
PSA: Don’t let a man who journals and plays guitar fool you into thinking that automatically makes him a good person.
Would lose it on me for being in the bathroom when he went pee or making me leave the bathroom when I was in the middle of doing something, but literally barged in on me when I told him not to come in and would SIT on me while I was on the toilet.
Would ask me a question then get super upset at me for rambling to answer it. Would ask a deep question right before bed and be upset when I started to go on a tangent/thinking out loud. But if I told him I was tired, it was “funny” that he wouldn’t shut up about random stuff (I wasn’t even asking questions) and would get mad at me for being annoyed at him for not letting me sleep.
When I pointed out him overeating - knowing he would feel like shit. He’d get mad and say he needed to do it on his own, even though just the day before we had discussed how I can best support him, and he ASKED me to call him out on it.
Got mad when I told him he’s better suited as a freelancer/being his own boss rather than working for someone else. Immediately took this as a personal attack rather than a compliment.
Would have me work events and say he’d pay me if he used my work. Never did. And is now currently using a photo of my own on his website. A photo not even from an event, but from his tattoo appointment he was supposed to be doing a trade with the artist for (recently learned he never actually followed up on his end of the bargain and is using MY photos. Photos I took for fun during his tattoo appointment).
Upset that I was “walking too slow” and would say he didn’t want to go on walks with me because of it.
He tried to cancel hike plans because I was worried about my knee injury acting up and told him I’d probably move a bit slower, especially when going downhill but was eager to get out since he’d kept me cooped up in the house for so long. Would say that I would be too annoying to go on a walk with. When I told him I planned to still do it on my own then because for the sake of my mental health I felt I desperately needed this outing, he changed his mind and said, “he’ll just wear his weighted vest to make it harder for him and force him to move slower to match my pace so that he wouldn’t be annoyed by me.”
Basketball: this has been a pinnacle story for me. One night he was watching a basketball game while I cooked dinner for us. He made a comment about how they were in their 5th round of OT (something like that), and I got confused (I didn’t grow up playing or watching sports… to my knowledge through hockey, in OT, whoever gets first goal wins), so I asked him – what do you mean 5th round? Shouldn’t it be whoever got the first goal? And he proceeded to say what do YOU mean? I re-explained it so many times until finally he lost it and said “are you stupid?! Or are you purposefully trying to trigger me??? Nobody plays OT like that! THIS is how OT works.” And I said, I’m pretty sure that’s how I remember how hockey OT works.” to which he replied, “NO sports do OT like that, that’s fucking dumb and doesn’t work, you’re just trying to piss me off and this conversation is incredibly disrespectful and triggering.” To which I said “I know I don’t play sports but I’m pretty sure that’s how hockey does it” to which he said “well if they do that’s stupid” and he continued to accuse me of triggering him, that basketball was incredibly important to him because him and all his (9) siblings grew up playing it, and that I was stupid for thinking this and not knowing the rules…. I was so shaken up and didn’t know what to say or do, so I walked away and told him I needed a minute before I could properly address this conversation… Where I proceeded to google OT rules to different sports to be 100% certain he was being a proper fucking piece of shit in this moment, and that I was right about the OT rules of hockey and to learn that most other sports also have different OT rules. I confronted him for how he spoke to me AND for the fact he was so blatantly wrong about other sports rules - he was pretty quiet when he was confronted with facts he couldn’t argue. This was the night I packed my bags and tried to walk out.