Stop Romanticizing Resiliency
Stop romanticizing resiliency and shift your perspective of what it means to be resilient.
The problem with romanticizing resiliency is that we detach ourselves from the whole reason the resilience is there in the first place.
Resiliency and strength isn’t something you’re just born with - like physical strength, it’s an emotional muscle that is repeatedly worked and pushed hard so that it gets stronger over time. The difference though, is that resilience is formed from a great deal of emotional turmoil, loss, grief, and pain…
For those of us who are frequently described as resilient - while we’re grateful to be, and know we wouldn’t be where we are in life if it wasn’t for it - sometimes the pain just doesn’t feel worth it.
It doesn’t feel like a compliment. We aren’t resilient because we want to be, but because we’ve had to be in order to survive.
I remember after mom took her own life, I had SO many people tell me how strong I was. And all I could think in response was “I wish I didn’t have to be. I’d give up being strong in a heartbeat if it meant I could have her back.”
While your words mean well, frequently telling someone how strong and resilient they are only reinforces the idea in their heads that they have to continue to be. That breaking isn’t an option, because breaking feels like ending.
It also invalidates our needs for support too. “You’re so strong! You must not need help.” This only reinstates this idea for ourselves as well, which is a very difficult thing to unlearn.
We know we’re strong. We know we’re resilient. And while we hope it inspires others to work through their own struggles and to continue to live a life they love and are proud of - we’re also tired, and just want a space where we can feel comfortable to put down the weight for a moment, and not be just resilient - but gentle, joyful, melancholic, angry… a space where we are celebrated for resting, just as much as we are for being resilient.
Rather than always commending and commenting on how strong/resilient your friend is, or asking them if they’re okay (because we’ll always tell you we’re fine and we’re working through it... because we are), allow them to just be, without any expectations for them to show up in any sort of way.
